Today has been a very emotional day… My heart is filled with so many emotions, and all I want to do is cry. My grandmother has been ill for some time now, but just over the past few months, things have started to get much worse. This is a woman that I love dearly, a woman I admire, a woman I look up to, and most importantly a woman I call my Nana! She was diagnosis with Parkinson’s disease about five years ago, but it wasn’t until last year that we found out she also has Alzheimer’s disease. And right now, she thinks I’m still a little girl. She will wait by the window at night waiting for me to come home or tell my Aunt & Uncle that we snuggled on the couch together all night. This just breaks my heart! I am glad she is able to remember and hold onto these memories, but I’m sad that she doesn’t always remember that she has four great grandchildren, and the wonderful times we have now, here in the present. I always hoped that my kids would be able to spend time with my grandparents like I did. When it came to the weekends, school breaks and summer, the only place I wanted to be, was at my Nana & Papa’s house. I have a hard time dealing with illness and death, I’m in denial about it all. I just think that everything will get better. This is reality, it isn’t, and it’s to the point that I can’t run and hide from it any longer. If I continue to do this, I’m going to miss out, on the last little bit of time I do have left with her. And I don’t want that to happen. But all I could do today was cry, I have so much sadness, love, hurt, hate, regret, frustration, and thankfulness in my heart! And my brain is overflowing with all these emotions, trying to understand it all. I pray every night, that God will bring us an answer or cure. I pray that he will take this away from her, and protect her. And right now, I feel let down! Please never take for granted the time you have with someone, because you truly never know when it will be gone. I cherish all the memories I have with my Nana, and I love her so very much! I wish more than anything, I could take this away from her!
After such emotional day, I was very glad to get home and see my babies and husband. All I wanted to do was hold them tight. My sweet angels are in bed, and that is where I will be shortly. I need to try and get my mind to stop racing! Hope wherever you are, you enjoy the weekend, and time you have with your family. We aren’t promised tomorrow, so always make each day you do have count.
I sure do love you sweet angels!
I’m so blessed, to have you both in my life!
Goodnight sweet angels!
xoxo, Shanna
What a beautiful expression of love and such a pure description of emotions. It's a very difficult time now however, always hold on to the love and the wonderful memories and know that you always filled nana's life and heart with much love and happiness just as she has for you. I love you very much.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Auntie Pat